This resource is taken from the “True Betrayal: Overcoming the Betrayal of Your Spouse’s Sexual Sin” seminar notebook (February 19, 2012; 5:00 to 8:00 pm; The Summit Church, Brier Creek South Venue; 2415 Presidential Drive, Suite 107; Durham, NC 27703; Free – No RSVP Needed).

As you seek to understand the impact of your spouse’s sexual sin upon you, it is important to recognize that these impacts will come in two varieties: (1) impacts for which understanding, time, and removing the destructive elements of the suffering story are the remedy; and (2) impacts which call for actions from you or your spouse in order to counter the effects of the suffering. For the first variety, the corrective elements will be defined in chapters four through six. For the second variety, the corrective elements will be defined in chapters seven and eight. Your goal in this chapter is merely to “understand.” If reflecting on these aspects of impact on you is overwhelming, remember you can take your time – recovery is not a race.

There is the obvious emotional impact of your spouse’s sexual sin: numbness, anger, despair, fear, jealousy, regret, embarrassment, shame, depression, and other emotions. These emotions are assumed in each of the impacts discussed below. But the ten changes below focus more on the relational or dispositional affects than the emotional expressions. Most of them have to do with influences that began before the discovery of your spouse’s sin or common unhealthy ways of responding to a spouse’s sexual sin.

Tolerating an Unhealthy Lifestyle: Unhealthy does not always mean unfaithful, but unfaithful requires increasing doses of unhealthy in order to grow. The types of unhealthy marital habits can small or large: keeping the computer in a low traffic area of home, not communicating schedules and having blocks of unaccounted for time, separate budgets and unmonitored spending, recreating in mixed gender settings without your spouse, allowing personal hobbies or work to crowd out time for marriage, crude or demanding language about sex, responding in anger to questions about time or money, or growing disinterest and infrequency in sex. When sexual sin is a part of your spouse’s life and you do not know it, then these unhealthy lifestyle changes become the “normal” of your household.

Read Ephesians 4:3-13. Paul says that the lifestyle associated with sexual sin “must not even be named among you (v. 3).” The lifestyle characteristics described above should be changed; not just because they make you uncomfortable, but because they create an atmosphere where sexual sin (and many other sins) are easy. When Paul talks of major changes to language that are “out of place” (v. 4) he says that this should be done with thanksgiving (both in content of speech and attitude of heart). It is not in response to your preferences that these changes should be made (insinuating when you are “less sensitive” things can return to “normal”) but in response to God’s design for a healthy marriage.

Changing Role or Identity: It is hard to live in sin and live responsibly. As the offending spouse becomes less responsible, the offended spouse takes on the role of parent, nag, stiff, or rescuer. If the offending spouse is generally irresponsible, these relational roles can become an identity. After the sin has been discovered the roles can become even more pronounced. After discovery, the offended spouse can feel a sense of identity confusion (i.e., “I feel lost. I don’t know who you are or I am anymore.”) or escape into other roles (i.e., devoting yourself fully the kids or work to avoid the pain and confusion that comes with being a spouse).

“[Case Study and testimony] Lorie, 34, is a nurse and mother of two young children. She believed that her 10-year marriage to Todd, an engineer, was good. True, their sex life had decreased recently, but Todd told her it was because he was involved in an important and demanding project at work, and he was usually exhausted by evening… Lorie’s life began to fall apart when she accidentally discovered Todd’s secret sexual life on the computer… She later said, ‘I felt total distrust in myself, my spouse, and the relationship. I felt betrayed, confused, afraid, and stunned. The person I loved and trusted most in the world had lied about who he was. I felt I had lived through a vast and sinister cover-up (p. 24).” Stephanie Carnes in Mending a Shattered Heart

Read Ephesians 5:22-33. At this time it is better to read this passage for a refresher on marriage functioning. Your marriage is strained and away from what God designed it to be. But it is important to notice that in each case the spouse role (husband and wife) is secondary to and an example of the relationship with God (“as to the Lord” and “as Christ”). Whenever we face trials we have tendency to define ourselves by our struggle. In times like these it is easy to be defined by your marriage more than your God. When that is the case how you see yourself and how you relate to your spouse will be negatively affected..

Acquiring Controlling Tendencies: “I don’t want to be hurt again.” The controlling tendency has a very understandable origin. “Healthy” (discussed in impact variable one) becomes controlling when it doesn’t allow the other person to voluntarily choose “healthy.” Controlling claims to know what you’re thinking, feels threatened to be wrong, must have “say” not just awareness of money and time, or demands proof of subjective realities. After the betrayal of sexual sin, these responses are usually done more from self-protection than vengeful punishment. But regardless of motive they eat away at the betrayed, now controlling spouse and withers efforts at marital restoration. Control promises safety but provides a counterfeit version of safety at the cost of creating an environment for healthy restoration.

“What you will have to face, Kelly, is that you cannot make your husband do the right thing. You cannot talk him into it; you can’t shame him into it; you can’t police him into it; and you can’t threaten him into it. However, what you can do is begin learning the secret of how to entrust him into the hands of the Lord. After all, only God can change his heart (p. 94-95).” Kathy Gallagher in When His Secret Sin Breaks Your Heart

Becoming Inconsistent: This is the other side of the controlling tendency. Inconsistency can come into your life in several ways. First, before discovery, you may find that nothing you do makes a difference in the marriage and begin to give up on things that are important. Second, after discovery, you may make so many declarations about changes that “should be made” that not all of them can be done consistently or find that some of them were not as relevant as they seemed in your initial fear. You begin to feel weak or hypocritical for not following through on what you said. Third, after discovery, you become emotionally overwhelmed and quit in areas of life or marriage that you know to be important. Regardless of its cause a lifestyle of inconsistency establishes itself and eats away at the good intentions of a healthy marriage.

Growing Gullible or Cynical: The lies of a spouse’s sexual sin can push the offended spouse in one of two unhealthy directions: gullible or cynical. You feel torn. “At some point I have to give the benefit of the doubt, right?” But on the other hand, “So much that sounded plausible was a lie, why believe anything but my doubts now?” It feels like the only choice is to believe everything or believe nothing. “Truth” begins to feel like a cruel joke. You want it to know the truth, but each time you have thought you did, it changes (i.e., more of the story comes out or another hurtful choice is made).

“One of the terrible and frightening aspects of sin is the unbelief it fosters (p. 141).” Steve Gallagher in At the Altar of Sexual Idolatry

Read Hebrews 2:10-18. This passage raises the question of trust in the midst of suffering. That is the difficult battle you are facing as you seek to resist being either gullible or cynical – learning how to trust wisely in the midst of suffering. Notice the passage ends with Jesus compassion for your predicament (v. 18). Jesus to was betrayed by one he committed His life to (Matt 10:1-4), whom he trusted enough to manage His earthly money (John 13:29), and had the power to destroy Him with affection (Luke 22:47-48). You may feel like this skepticism and uncertainty is a “lifelong slavery” (v. 15) know that Jesus is able to deliver. He is with you in the midst of this uncertainty (Heb. 13:20-21) and will ultimately let the truth be known (Heb. 4:12-13). The True Betrayal and False Love studies are designed to allow truth to be known by confession, which is best for your spouse’s restoration and the benefit of your family.

Growing Passive Toward Life: “It doesn’t matter what I do.” These are painful words. Whenever we speak them it reveals that we have lost the exclusive ability to do, protect, or create what is most important to us. They are the words of a parent whose child has a terminal disease, the business owner facing bankruptcy, and the spouse whose partner has been unfaithful. Nothing feels permanent, solid, or dependable anymore. Emotional or relational investment no longer guarantee the desired result like they once seemed to. It is easy in this environment to become passive in such a way that depression becomes a cocoon protecting you from the unpleasant realities of your marriage and family.

Read Philippians 3:7-16. Paul knew he did not have what it took to continue (v. 12a) and that what he had been building his life upon was not capable sustaining him through his current situation (v. 7). He had to remind himself and his readers to “press on” and not allow this sense of being overwhelmed to paralyze them (v. 12b). Paul did not literally forget his past (v. 13). He frequently referenced it (2 Cor. 11:21-33; 1 Tim. 1:12-17). But Paul is talking about not allowing our past to define us more than God’s ability to work in our present and future. This is the mark of maturity (v. 15) to which he was striving and calls on us to strive for.

Growing Insecurity: This insecurity may be expressed through fear or anger, but regardless of its expression you begin to live with a constant barrage of questions about yourself, your spouse, and your marriage. Everything is being evaluated and there seem to be no certain answers to any of the questions. The net effect of living in this kind of questioning is that everything begins to feel personal, as if it is a commentary on your actions and worth. It is from this self-referential way of thinking that each action, word, or even silence in you day begins to illicit fear, doubt, anger, quick hope, deep disappointment, and other intense emotions.

“We wives need to know that when we allow fear and doubt to consume our minds we become just as self-centered as the man who is controlled by lust. Why? Because when we do, we are only thinking about ourselves, and everything centers around us (p. 65).” Kathy Gallagher in When His Secret Sin Breaks Your Heart

Read 2 Corinthians 10:1-18. Paul is in the midst of an intense and personal conflict. He is struggling with how he comes across (weak in person; strong in his letters). He wants to maintain the humility of Christ while boldly answering his critics who question his ministry. Notice how Paul struggles to avoid making an intensely personal conflict self-referential. From the tone of his public letter, it is safe to say that Paul also struggled to maintain this distinction in his personal thought/emotional life. Be encouraged by his vulnerability while learning from his example.

Living a One Variable Life: Living a one variable life can happen in several ways after a spouse’s sexual sin. First, as your marriage becomes the most intense issue in your life, it is easy to allow the condition of your marriage to define your life. Second, you can focus on the “one thing” your spouse should do next as if it would make everything better. Third, you can use your fluctuating response to your spouse’s sin as the measure of your faith in or walk with God. However we reduce our life to a single variable it has two effects: (a) it makes our world smaller, and (b) it makes every problem in our now small world seem bigger. The result is that we create a mental environment that is inhospitable for hope or encouragement.

Relating as a Codependent: Codependency can be defined as a relational style built upon the false assumption that sin plays by consistent rules. The “game” in codependency is to learn the “rules of sin” (at least the particular sin of the particular person that is affecting you) so that you can prevent the sin from occurring. The “advantage” to the game is that it gives the façade of control over another person. The problem with codependency is that these rules do not exist, it makes you responsible for your spouse’s sin, and it results in the preferences of your spouse becoming your functional god. As you resist the urge to relate co dependently, you will experience the fear of realizing that your spouse’s sexual sin is outside your ability to control. But you will also be laying the foundation for a marriage that can be a relationship of mutually responsible, mutually honoring people.

Post-Traumatic Stress: After the discovery of your spouse’s sexual sin, it is common to live with a high degree of emotional and situational intensity for a period of time. This can be “traumatic” in both the descriptive and clinical sense of the word.

“The deception and the secret life of the sex addict bring unprecedented turmoil, fear, and pain to the partner (p. 11).” Stephanie Carnes in Mending a Shattered Heart

In some cases, this trauma can create the experience of Post-Traumatic Stress (PTSD). PTSD is when an individual faces an event he/she is unprepared to handle and the impact of that event has a lingering impact on life functioning. If you are experiencing any of the following symptoms six months after the discovery of your spouse’s sin, then you are likely experiencing the affects of PTSD. As you create a safe and transparent home environment, these symptoms should subside. If not, then seeking personal counseling for these affects is advisable.

_____ Intrusive recollections of the events surrounding your spouse’s sexual sin or your discovery.

_____ Recurrent dreams associated with your spouse’s sexual sin.

_____ Flashbacks where you feel like you are re-experiencing your spouse’s sin or the discovery of it.

_____ Intense distress when you experience things that remind you of your spouse’s sexual sin.

_____ Feelings of detachment from others.

_____ Difficulty concentrating at your normal levels.

_____ Hyper vigilance – always looking for what is about to go wrong.

Sexual Sin Assessment

For more, plan to attend this weekend from 5:00-8:00pm at the Brier Creek South Venue located at 2415 Presidential Drive, Suite 107; Durham, NC  27703.

How many times has a friend or family member of yours been affected by sexual sin – their own or their spouses’? How many times have you felt really uncomfortable, knowing you should say something, but not knowing what to say? With the current rates of pornography usage and extra-marital sex close to 100% of people could think of at least one occurrence of those situations in the last year.

As a church, we cannot pretend this issue does not exist, choose to remain ignorant on these subjects, or hide behind the excuse that these are private matters. Consider this warning given by Martin Luther:

“If you preach the gospel in all aspects with the exception of the issues that deal specifically with your time, you are not preaching the gospel at all.” Martin Luther as quoted by Tim Chester in Closing the Window (p. 10).

It is for this reason that the Summit counseling ministry is presenting two EQUIP seminars in February. These are free seminars. We hope that many people in our church and community will benefit from learning how the Gospel speaks to these epidemic struggles. Please invite anyone you believe would benefit from this material.

False Love: Overcoming Sexual Sin from Lust to Adultery

February 12, 2012 // 5:00 to 8:00 pm

The Summit Church; Brier Creek South Venue

2415 Presidential Drive, Suite 107; Durham, NC 27703

Free – No RSVP Needed

Lust is not a gender specific issue. Lust is not something “some people” struggle with. Lust is not a “phase we go through.” Lust is not a problem that getting married will solve. Lust may never go beyond your imagination, but still create a persistent dissatisfaction with your current relationships or marriage.

Or, lust may be life dominating. Lust may cause you to put your health, your spouse’s health, your job, or your reputation in jeopardy. Lust may lead you to lie and create a double life in ways that you would have never thought you would.

Regardless of your type or depth of struggle with lust or whether your are single or married the “False Love: Overcoming Sexual Sin from Lust to Adultery” seminar is designed to help you walk away from these fantasy-based relationships (yes, even adultery is a fiction and porn is a relationship) and move towards the pure, true love for others than God ordained.

True Betrayal: Overcoming the Betrayal of Your Spouse’s Sexual Sin

February 19, 2012 // 5:00 to 8:00 pm

The Summit Church; Brier Creek South Venue

2415 Presidential Drive, Suite 107; Durham, NC 27703

Free – No RSVP Needed

There is no way to prepare for the news that your spouse has been looking at pornography, is having an emotional affair, or is/has committing adultery. Yet even without being able to prepare, you are still forced to respond when the news hits.

Numbness, anger, despair, fear, jealousy, regret, denial, revenge, embarrassment, shame, questions of whether I ever really know the truth, lack of trust, loss of respect, and feelings of loss of permanence are all common responses. But how do you respond to those responses? How do you “move forward”? What is “forward” anyway?

The “True Betrayal: Overcoming the Betrayal of Your Spouse’s Sexual Sin” seminar is intended to guide you through the emotional, mental, and relational dilemmas of your spouse’s sexual sin. It helps you answer the practical informational questions (i.e., What do I need to know? What should I expect from my spouse? Why is the “why” question so plaguing and hurtful?), and it walks you through the emotional pain that no answers to any questions will alleviate.

This year, for the first time, we are launching a Summit All-Campus Choir! Starting February 1^st, we’ll spend 8 weeks together rehearsing for a concert of worship for the whole church on Friday, April 6th (Good Friday).

This new format allows us some key advantages and new opportunities. We now have the ability to invite people from every campus to be a part of the choir, while maintaining a commitment to their local campus! Some of you have not been able to be a part of the choir because you believed it was better for your family to attend a different campus. Others of you would love to go to a different campus, but your commitment to the choir has kept you at Brier Creek. Now you have the chance to do both – attend another campus and be part of the choir! This also gives those of you who historically have not been able to make a year-long commitment to the choir a new chance to join us!

In a church of over 6000 people, I’m praying for a huge turnout of people who want to be a part of this. If you love to sing and worship, this is for you! If you sang in a high school or college choir and miss getting the chance to sing, this is your opportunity to do it again! If you always wanted to sing in a choir but never have, here’s your chance! Even though we plan to do this again in the fall, you only need to commit for this session of 8 weeks! We hope you’ll join us Today! Let us know if you can make it and/or RSVP for childcare today!

By Nick Corbett, Recent Grad of NC State

Do something bigger with your summer with The City Project. Spend two months being immersed in the local church and cities around the globe. Travel to New York to learn more about one of the Summit’s North American church plants. Spend four weeks receiving theological training through a seminary class. Give your life away to the city of Durham, NC by partnering with ministries meeting the needs of the hurting. Intern with a Summit staff member as a summer intern. Finally, cap off the summer traveling internationally to see how God is working through the church. Why choose one of these options for your summer when you can choose them all? Download an application (due Jan 27^th) today and read more about Nick’s experience with last year’s City Project.

In January 2011, the City Project was barely on my radar for my summer plans. However, after a grueling battle with the Holy Spirit, I was convicted and led to step out in faith to trust God where he was leading me. Initially, I faced opposition from family members, had some personal fears regarding support-raising and was anxious that this experience would impede my future career plans. Despite all of these, God continued to prick my heart to serve Him through CP. Matthew 6:33 says, “But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” This verse, especially in its context, struck me at the core and gave me the confidence to embark on this experience. I knew that God would provide for His child, and He faithfully did so in ways I never imagined.

I began City Project knowing I’d be a changed man after 2 months. And changed I was—but in ways I had never expected. During City Project, I grew to trust Christ more and more daily, as I learned to rely on His strength, not my own, in ministry. Being in a constant, Gospel-centered community with other college students for two months stretched my faith, too. I learned how the body of Christ faithfully and effectively works together, as students and Summit leaders from various backgrounds converged to do life together for this time.

Through ministry with Muslims during CP, God really burdened my heart for them to know Christ. I was able to continue this ministry after CP through a Friends of Faith group at NC State. Now I have graduated and am searching for what’s next. I know that I want to faithfully follow the Lord wherever He leads me. The Lord has shown me the sweetness and necessity of staying involved in the local church and the mission He desires to carry out through us. So, as I enter this next stage in life, I am trusting Him to lead me to a career that glorifies Him in a place where I can continue to work alongside a local church, like The Summit, in sharing the love of Christ with everyone.

• Who? Parents Meeting:  For all parents of 7th-12th Grade Students
• When? Sunday, January 22nd immediately following the 11:00am service
• Where? BC South Venue
• Questions? Email Jason Gaston (jgaston@summitrdu.com)

Summit Church | Denver, CO

From Bryan Barley:

On January 16, 2011, we had our first gathering in my living room. 10 of us met together, and I shared how I believed the Summit Denver was a movement of God, and how we desired to continue His work in the city of Denver. In that moment, I carried in my heart both fear and hope – fear that we were inadequate for such a task, yet hope that God’s grace is sufficient and He delights to make His power known through our weakness. God has been faithful, and we’ve seen some amazing things happen:

• 80+ people now attend our weekly gatherings
• On January 1, we moved in our new building (above; yes, it’s a warehouse)
• 47 people have joined as covenant members to become missionaries to the city
• 5 city groups have been launched throughout the city
• We’ve gained a reputation as a church that exists for the good of the city and the neighborhood
• This January, we will baptize 5 people, add 15 new members, and start a new city group

City Church | Murfreesboro, TN

From Trevor Atwood:

In all of my preparation to plant a church, few phrases stuck out more than this one: “Planting a church is not a sprint; it’s a marathon.” The idea is that planters shouldn’t expend all their energy quickly looking for immediate results, but get into a steady pace moving toward a mission, and expect results to come over time. In many ways, I have learned that to be true. But I’ve also learned to expect great things from the God of the impossible:

• In July, 25 people moved from the Summit as well as TX, VA, and TN to plant City Church
• God provided 13 jobs for those who moved; nobody went more than 2.5 months without a job
• 28 others have since joined as covenant members, bringing the total to 53
• 6 people have been baptized
• 4 people have moved from death to life (all coworkers and neighbors of team members)
• 70+ now attend our weekly gatherings
• Our people recently gave $8600 toward our Christmas Missions Offering to bless our city and plant new churches

Imago Dei Church | Raleigh, NC

http://vimeo.com/32491008

We also partnered to help plant a church in Raleigh. Check out this update from Tony Merida, the lead planter. Since this video, Imago Dei has grown to:

• 82 covenant members
• 175 in weekly attendance
• 100+ people meeting weekly in 8 growth groups

Looking Forward

2012 promises to be an even better year, and we already have some exciting things on the horizon, including our latest church plant, Mercy Hill, which will be going to Greensboro in May.

Join us in praying that God would raise up more men and women from the Summit with a vision to plant their lives in another city in order to take the gospel to those who don’t know it.

To stay tuned on upcoming plants, or find out how you can be a part, go to www.sendrdu.com.

To learn more about this opportunity or other ways to get involved with the Summit’s Prison Ministry, join us at the next Prison Ministry meeting: Monday, Jan 9^th at 7pm in the Bay at the Brier Creek Campus.  Applications will be available to fill out for the next Blue Card training to enter the prison.  For more information, go to www.summitrdu.com/prison or contact Jamie.

This will be the second largest gospel-driven outreach we’ve done this year (just behind Church at the Ballpark). We are expecting hundreds – perhaps thousands – of guests to walk through our doors for the first time.

We want to be ready for those guests by providing a first-class experience from the moment they pull onto our campus. We need you to help make this happen by serving in Summit Kids or on our First Impressions team. We have a need for 180 volunteers per service…that works out to 900 over the course of three days.

We know that this is a busy time of year and you don’t need to add one more thing to your calendar. But we’re challenging you to “attend one, serve one:” attend one performance of Christmas at the Summit, and then give our guests the gift of your service.

You can see all of the opportunities and sign up at www.ChristmasAtTheSummit.com. This weekend is our last big push for volunteers, so help us reach the goal of 900 people serving our community this Christmas season!