Brad Hambrick
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Posts by Brad Hambrick
10 Ways Your Spouse’s Sexual Sin Affects You
Feb 16th
This resource is taken from the “True Betrayal: Overcoming the Betrayal of Your Spouse’s Sexual Sin” seminar notebook (February 19, 2012; 5:00 to 8:00 pm; The Summit Church, Brier Creek South Venue; 2415 Presidential Drive, Suite 107; Durham, NC 27703; Free – No RSVP Needed).
As you seek to understand the impact of your spouse’s sexual sin upon you, it is important to recognize that these impacts will come in two varieties: (1) impacts for which understanding, time, and removing the destructive elements of the suffering story are the remedy; and (2) impacts which call for actions from you or your spouse in order to counter the effects of the suffering. For the first variety, the corrective elements will be defined in chapters four through six. For the second variety, the corrective elements will be defined in chapters seven and eight. Your goal in this chapter is merely to “understand.” If reflecting on these aspects of impact on you is overwhelming, remember you can take your time – recovery is not a race.
There is the obvious emotional impact of your spouse’s sexual sin: numbness, anger, despair, fear, jealousy, regret, embarrassment, shame, depression, and other emotions. These emotions are assumed in each of the impacts discussed below. But the ten changes below focus more on the relational or dispositional affects than the emotional expressions. Most of them have to do with influences that began before the discovery of your spouse’s sin or common unhealthy ways of responding to a spouse’s sexual sin.
Tolerating an Unhealthy Lifestyle: Unhealthy does not always mean unfaithful, but unfaithful requires increasing doses of unhealthy in order to grow. The types of unhealthy marital habits can small or large: keeping the computer in a low traffic area of home, not communicating schedules and having blocks of unaccounted for time, separate budgets and unmonitored spending, recreating in mixed gender settings without your spouse, allowing personal hobbies or work to crowd out time for marriage, crude or demanding language about sex, responding in anger to questions about time or money, or growing disinterest and infrequency in sex. When sexual sin is a part of your spouse’s life and you do not know it, then these unhealthy lifestyle changes become the “normal” of your household.
Read Ephesians 4:3-13. Paul says that the lifestyle associated with sexual sin “must not even be named among you (v. 3).” The lifestyle characteristics described above should be changed; not just because they make you uncomfortable, but because they create an atmosphere where sexual sin (and many other sins) are easy. When Paul talks of major changes to language that are “out of place” (v. 4) he says that this should be done with thanksgiving (both in content of speech and attitude of heart). It is not in response to your preferences that these changes should be made (insinuating when you are “less sensitive” things can return to “normal”) but in response to God’s design for a healthy marriage.
Changing Role or Identity: It is hard to live in sin and live responsibly. As the offending spouse becomes less responsible, the offended spouse takes on the role of parent, nag, stiff, or rescuer. If the offending spouse is generally irresponsible, these relational roles can become an identity. After the sin has been discovered the roles can become even more pronounced. After discovery, the offended spouse can feel a sense of identity confusion (i.e., “I feel lost. I don’t know who you are or I am anymore.”) or escape into other roles (i.e., devoting yourself fully the kids or work to avoid the pain and confusion that comes with being a spouse).
“[Case Study and testimony] Lorie, 34, is a nurse and mother of two young children. She believed that her 10-year marriage to Todd, an engineer, was good. True, their sex life had decreased recently, but Todd told her it was because he was involved in an important and demanding project at work, and he was usually exhausted by evening… Lorie’s life began to fall apart when she accidentally discovered Todd’s secret sexual life on the computer… She later said, ‘I felt total distrust in myself, my spouse, and the relationship. I felt betrayed, confused, afraid, and stunned. The person I loved and trusted most in the world had lied about who he was. I felt I had lived through a vast and sinister cover-up (p. 24).” Stephanie Carnes in Mending a Shattered Heart
Read Ephesians 5:22-33. At this time it is better to read this passage for a refresher on marriage functioning. Your marriage is strained and away from what God designed it to be. But it is important to notice that in each case the spouse role (husband and wife) is secondary to and an example of the relationship with God (“as to the Lord” and “as Christ”). Whenever we face trials we have tendency to define ourselves by our struggle. In times like these it is easy to be defined by your marriage more than your God. When that is the case how you see yourself and how you relate to your spouse will be negatively affected..
Acquiring Controlling Tendencies: “I don’t want to be hurt again.” The controlling tendency has a very understandable origin. “Healthy” (discussed in impact variable one) becomes controlling when it doesn’t allow the other person to voluntarily choose “healthy.” Controlling claims to know what you’re thinking, feels threatened to be wrong, must have “say” not just awareness of money and time, or demands proof of subjective realities. After the betrayal of sexual sin, these responses are usually done more from self-protection than vengeful punishment. But regardless of motive they eat away at the betrayed, now controlling spouse and withers efforts at marital restoration. Control promises safety but provides a counterfeit version of safety at the cost of creating an environment for healthy restoration.
“What you will have to face, Kelly, is that you cannot make your husband do the right thing. You cannot talk him into it; you can’t shame him into it; you can’t police him into it; and you can’t threaten him into it. However, what you can do is begin learning the secret of how to entrust him into the hands of the Lord. After all, only God can change his heart (p. 94-95).” Kathy Gallagher in When His Secret Sin Breaks Your Heart
Becoming Inconsistent: This is the other side of the controlling tendency. Inconsistency can come into your life in several ways. First, before discovery, you may find that nothing you do makes a difference in the marriage and begin to give up on things that are important. Second, after discovery, you may make so many declarations about changes that “should be made” that not all of them can be done consistently or find that some of them were not as relevant as they seemed in your initial fear. You begin to feel weak or hypocritical for not following through on what you said. Third, after discovery, you become emotionally overwhelmed and quit in areas of life or marriage that you know to be important. Regardless of its cause a lifestyle of inconsistency establishes itself and eats away at the good intentions of a healthy marriage.
Growing Gullible or Cynical: The lies of a spouse’s sexual sin can push the offended spouse in one of two unhealthy directions: gullible or cynical. You feel torn. “At some point I have to give the benefit of the doubt, right?” But on the other hand, “So much that sounded plausible was a lie, why believe anything but my doubts now?” It feels like the only choice is to believe everything or believe nothing. “Truth” begins to feel like a cruel joke. You want it to know the truth, but each time you have thought you did, it changes (i.e., more of the story comes out or another hurtful choice is made).
“One of the terrible and frightening aspects of sin is the unbelief it fosters (p. 141).” Steve Gallagher in At the Altar of Sexual Idolatry
Read Hebrews 2:10-18. This passage raises the question of trust in the midst of suffering. That is the difficult battle you are facing as you seek to resist being either gullible or cynical – learning how to trust wisely in the midst of suffering. Notice the passage ends with Jesus compassion for your predicament (v. 18). Jesus to was betrayed by one he committed His life to (Matt 10:1-4), whom he trusted enough to manage His earthly money (John 13:29), and had the power to destroy Him with affection (Luke 22:47-48). You may feel like this skepticism and uncertainty is a “lifelong slavery” (v. 15) know that Jesus is able to deliver. He is with you in the midst of this uncertainty (Heb. 13:20-21) and will ultimately let the truth be known (Heb. 4:12-13). The True Betrayal and False Love studies are designed to allow truth to be known by confession, which is best for your spouse’s restoration and the benefit of your family.
Growing Passive Toward Life: “It doesn’t matter what I do.” These are painful words. Whenever we speak them it reveals that we have lost the exclusive ability to do, protect, or create what is most important to us. They are the words of a parent whose child has a terminal disease, the business owner facing bankruptcy, and the spouse whose partner has been unfaithful. Nothing feels permanent, solid, or dependable anymore. Emotional or relational investment no longer guarantee the desired result like they once seemed to. It is easy in this environment to become passive in such a way that depression becomes a cocoon protecting you from the unpleasant realities of your marriage and family.
Read Philippians 3:7-16. Paul knew he did not have what it took to continue (v. 12a) and that what he had been building his life upon was not capable sustaining him through his current situation (v. 7). He had to remind himself and his readers to “press on” and not allow this sense of being overwhelmed to paralyze them (v. 12b). Paul did not literally forget his past (v. 13). He frequently referenced it (2 Cor. 11:21-33; 1 Tim. 1:12-17). But Paul is talking about not allowing our past to define us more than God’s ability to work in our present and future. This is the mark of maturity (v. 15) to which he was striving and calls on us to strive for.
Growing Insecurity: This insecurity may be expressed through fear or anger, but regardless of its expression you begin to live with a constant barrage of questions about yourself, your spouse, and your marriage. Everything is being evaluated and there seem to be no certain answers to any of the questions. The net effect of living in this kind of questioning is that everything begins to feel personal, as if it is a commentary on your actions and worth. It is from this self-referential way of thinking that each action, word, or even silence in you day begins to illicit fear, doubt, anger, quick hope, deep disappointment, and other intense emotions.
“We wives need to know that when we allow fear and doubt to consume our minds we become just as self-centered as the man who is controlled by lust. Why? Because when we do, we are only thinking about ourselves, and everything centers around us (p. 65).” Kathy Gallagher in When His Secret Sin Breaks Your Heart
Read 2 Corinthians 10:1-18. Paul is in the midst of an intense and personal conflict. He is struggling with how he comes across (weak in person; strong in his letters). He wants to maintain the humility of Christ while boldly answering his critics who question his ministry. Notice how Paul struggles to avoid making an intensely personal conflict self-referential. From the tone of his public letter, it is safe to say that Paul also struggled to maintain this distinction in his personal thought/emotional life. Be encouraged by his vulnerability while learning from his example.
Living a One Variable Life: Living a one variable life can happen in several ways after a spouse’s sexual sin. First, as your marriage becomes the most intense issue in your life, it is easy to allow the condition of your marriage to define your life. Second, you can focus on the “one thing” your spouse should do next as if it would make everything better. Third, you can use your fluctuating response to your spouse’s sin as the measure of your faith in or walk with God. However we reduce our life to a single variable it has two effects: (a) it makes our world smaller, and (b) it makes every problem in our now small world seem bigger. The result is that we create a mental environment that is inhospitable for hope or encouragement.
Relating as a Codependent: Codependency can be defined as a relational style built upon the false assumption that sin plays by consistent rules. The “game” in codependency is to learn the “rules of sin” (at least the particular sin of the particular person that is affecting you) so that you can prevent the sin from occurring. The “advantage” to the game is that it gives the façade of control over another person. The problem with codependency is that these rules do not exist, it makes you responsible for your spouse’s sin, and it results in the preferences of your spouse becoming your functional god. As you resist the urge to relate co dependently, you will experience the fear of realizing that your spouse’s sexual sin is outside your ability to control. But you will also be laying the foundation for a marriage that can be a relationship of mutually responsible, mutually honoring people.
Post-Traumatic Stress: After the discovery of your spouse’s sexual sin, it is common to live with a high degree of emotional and situational intensity for a period of time. This can be “traumatic” in both the descriptive and clinical sense of the word.
“The deception and the secret life of the sex addict bring unprecedented turmoil, fear, and pain to the partner (p. 11).” Stephanie Carnes in Mending a Shattered Heart
In some cases, this trauma can create the experience of Post-Traumatic Stress (PTSD). PTSD is when an individual faces an event he/she is unprepared to handle and the impact of that event has a lingering impact on life functioning. If you are experiencing any of the following symptoms six months after the discovery of your spouse’s sin, then you are likely experiencing the affects of PTSD. As you create a safe and transparent home environment, these symptoms should subside. If not, then seeking personal counseling for these affects is advisable.
_____ Intrusive recollections of the events surrounding your spouse’s sexual sin or your discovery.
_____ Recurrent dreams associated with your spouse’s sexual sin.
_____ Flashbacks where you feel like you are re-experiencing your spouse’s sin or the discovery of it.
_____ Intense distress when you experience things that remind you of your spouse’s sexual sin.
_____ Feelings of detachment from others.
_____ Difficulty concentrating at your normal levels.
_____ Hyper vigilance – always looking for what is about to go wrong.
Sexual Sin Assessment
Feb 9th
This weekend our Counseling Ministry presents “False Love: Overcoming Sexual Sin from Pornography to Adultery.” Pastor Brad Hambrick has put together a helpful assessment for those struggling with sexual sin, or those who are ministering to others who are struggling.
For more, plan to attend this weekend from 5:00-8:00pm at the Brier Creek South Venue located at 2415 Presidential Drive, Suite 107; Durham, NC 27703.
Sexual Sin Seminars
Feb 6th
Pornography and Adultery: Personal Restoration and Marital Recovery
How many times has a friend or family member of yours been affected by sexual sin – their own or their spouses’? How many times have you felt really uncomfortable, knowing you should say something, but not knowing what to say? With the current rates of pornography usage and extra-marital sex close to 100% of people could think of at least one occurrence of those situations in the last year.
As a church, we cannot pretend this issue does not exist, choose to remain ignorant on these subjects, or hide behind the excuse that these are private matters. Consider this warning given by Martin Luther:
“If you preach the gospel in all aspects with the exception of the issues that deal specifically with your time, you are not preaching the gospel at all.” Martin Luther as quoted by Tim Chester in Closing the Window (p. 10).
It is for this reason that the Summit counseling ministry is presenting two EQUIP seminars in February. These are free seminars. We hope that many people in our church and community will benefit from learning how the Gospel speaks to these epidemic struggles. Please invite anyone you believe would benefit from this material.
False Love: Overcoming Sexual Sin from Lust to Adultery
February 12, 2012 // 5:00 to 8:00 pm
The Summit Church; Brier Creek South Venue
2415 Presidential Drive, Suite 107; Durham, NC 27703
Free – No RSVP Needed
Lust is not a gender specific issue. Lust is not something “some people” struggle with. Lust is not a “phase we go through.” Lust is not a problem that getting married will solve. Lust may never go beyond your imagination, but still create a persistent dissatisfaction with your current relationships or marriage.
Or, lust may be life dominating. Lust may cause you to put your health, your spouse’s health, your job, or your reputation in jeopardy. Lust may lead you to lie and create a double life in ways that you would have never thought you would.
Regardless of your type or depth of struggle with lust or whether your are single or married the “False Love: Overcoming Sexual Sin from Lust to Adultery” seminar is designed to help you walk away from these fantasy-based relationships (yes, even adultery is a fiction and porn is a relationship) and move towards the pure, true love for others than God ordained.
True Betrayal: Overcoming the Betrayal of Your Spouse’s Sexual Sin
February 19, 2012 // 5:00 to 8:00 pm
The Summit Church; Brier Creek South Venue
2415 Presidential Drive, Suite 107; Durham, NC 27703
Free – No RSVP Needed
There is no way to prepare for the news that your spouse has been looking at pornography, is having an emotional affair, or is/has committing adultery. Yet even without being able to prepare, you are still forced to respond when the news hits.
Numbness, anger, despair, fear, jealousy, regret, denial, revenge, embarrassment, shame, questions of whether I ever really know the truth, lack of trust, loss of respect, and feelings of loss of permanence are all common responses. But how do you respond to those responses? How do you “move forward”? What is “forward” anyway?
The “True Betrayal: Overcoming the Betrayal of Your Spouse’s Sexual Sin” seminar is intended to guide you through the emotional, mental, and relational dilemmas of your spouse’s sexual sin. It helps you answer the practical informational questions (i.e., What do I need to know? What should I expect from my spouse? Why is the “why” question so plaguing and hurtful?), and it walks you through the emotional pain that no answers to any questions will alleviate.
“Taking the Journey of Grief with Hope” Seminar
Sep 16th
Applying the Grief Seminar to Losses Not Caused by Death
Note: This post is the “table of contents” for the seminar “Taking the Journey of Grief with Hope” which will be presented at The Summit Church September 25, 2011. The seminar will be in the Brier Creek South Venue (2335 Presidential Dr; Durham, NC 27703) from 5:00 to 8:00 pm.
This event is free of charge and open to the public. Please invite anyone you believe would benefit from learning how the God of all comfort speaks to the various losses of life through the gospel.
Often it can be hard to recognize grief as grief, because of the absence of a death. Major losses can be caused by many other life changes than someone dying. But this difficulty goes well beyond the challenge of rightly labeling an experience. When we do not recognize the grief element in a major loss or life transition, we begin to try to make sense of that experience and overcome its fallout in ways that are not suited for the difficulties that lie ahead.
That is the purpose of this appendix – to prepare you to apply the materials contained in this study to grief experiences that are not the result of the death of a loved one. Throughout this study you will find language that refers to the loss of a person (i.e., loved one, him, her, spouse, child, parent, etc…). If your loss was not a person, then these references may give you the impression that these materials do not apply to you.
However, the major experiences, changes, and challenges of grief are similar enough that once you begin to see how grief disrupts your identity and story, you should be able to apply this material to losses that do not involve the loss of a person. The important thing for reading these materials is (1) that you recognize your loss as a grief event and (2) that you are able to articulate what you have lost so that when you read the personal language in this guide, you naturally think of your loss.
This appendix will examine grief not triggered by death in four categories: the loss of innocence, the loss of a dream, the loss of stability, and the living death of divorce. These categories are not mutually exclusive, but they should help you think through different aspects of a grief struggle that is not triggered by someone’s death.
Grief & the Loss of Innocence
This grief is usually related to some form of abuse. In abuse, trust (a key element of innocence) is redefined from a positive quality that blesses a relationship to a dangerous activity that is now akin to naiveté. When that happens something precious is lost, but we often view this experience exclusively as a wound to be healed and overlook that it is also a loss to be grieved.
As you read and seek to apply these materials to the loss of innocence (or the other three categories), it may be helpful to find a physical object that represents the innocence that you lost. It could be a picture of you at the age just before the abuse occurred. Perhaps it is a picture of father or mother who is safe. Maybe you pick something more symbolic like a pillow to represent sleep without nightmares.
Regardless of the object, use it to remind you that you are grieving the absence of something good. In grieving lost innocence, it is easy to get lost in the powerful emotions and memories surrounding the violation that occurred and miss grieving the loss for the innocent person to whom they occurred. If we do this, we silence our grief and magnify our pain; we get distracted from the grief (our present task) and fixate on the violation (a past experience we cannot change). This leaves us trapped in a period of time we cannot change rather than allowing us to embark on a journey of grief by which God can give new meaning to our loss.
As you embark on this grief journey, recognize that healthy trust may be the most difficult and confusing aspect. The interaction you have with your Freedom Group, mentor, or counselor may be the most uncomfortable, yet beneficial, part of the journey. The redemption of innocence lost requires the willingness to embrace trust a blessing again.
A major theme in the journey that is ahead of you is seeing that Christ’s righteousness allows you to experience a sense of cleanness and innocence that was taken from you. As a Christian, God does not see you as defiled, and He invites you to see yourself through His eyes. Surrendering to Christ as Lord doesn’t just mean doing whatever God says, it also means allowing His perspective to have the final say on our life.
Do not feel rushed by that last paragraph. It may feel very far away. But that is why you are “Taking the Journey of Grief with Hope.” The purpose of this section is merely to help contextualize this study for your loss so that you are able to see how grief applies to your past hurt.
Grief & the Loss of a Dream
The loss of a dream can emerge from a variety of experiences: infertility, divorce, job loss, chronic pain, a rebellious child, mid-life crisis, or anything else that prevents you from doing or having something very important to you. In the midst of these kinds of situations we often become so consumed with managing the details of life that we forget there is a loss to be grieved.
When we forget to grieve the loss of a dream, we are left with a nagging feeling that the experience was incomplete, but have no clue what is left to be done. After all, we managed all the details as best we could. What more could life want from me? But there still doesn’t feel like there is “closure” (whatever that word means).
In the loss of a dream, closure most often means grieving. In these situations, the theme of “story” in grief which you will find in these materials can be particularly helpful to the grieving process. Your loss affected your future more than your past. You may have painful dreams unfulfilled more than painful memories flooding your mind. You feel like you are walking into grief more than you are walking away from it.
Your loss was part of how you built your future in your mind. Now you feel like a character without a story more than a story with a character (i.e., loved one) missing. Chances are you resist and even resent having to write a new story. This is the loss you are grieving – the loss of a good story (i.e., dream) having to be rewritten.
A major theme in the journey ahead of you will be trusting God as the ultimate Author of history. Based upon your good dream, God has failed and forfeited His role. Having dreams, goals, or ambitions may now feel impossible or painfully vulnerable. However, it is through the journey of grieving your loss that you gain the courage to embrace a story again. It is through honestly engaging with these fears, disappointments, hurts, and anger on the journey of grief that you can begin to see God for who He truly is again.
Grief & the Loss of Stability
If the loss of innocence is past tense grief and the loss of a dream is future tense grief, then the loss of stability is present tense grief. This grief might include an elderly parent surrendering independence to live with children, a fire destroying your home, a natural disaster hitting your city, or a criminal intrusion into your life. In these experiences the fear and anger over the violation or interruption often cause us to overlook the grief experience.
Often the grief over lost stability (present) is closely related to grief over the loss of a dream (future). It is the grief of divorce’s impact on my kid’s school performance more than a grief related to the possibility of growing old alone. It is the grief of struggling to pay this month’s bills, rather than unattainable dream of being VP in this company. It is the grief that drains the motivation to continue in rehab rather than that of the grief of understanding my life story as one that will include chronic pain.
With the loss of stability, the theme of “identity” which you will find in these materials on grief may be particularly helpful. To acknowledge my loss of stability often requires a significant change in my self-perception. However, unless we are careful this change can be a time when many lies and self-deprecating concepts enter our sense of identity.
Once you get through the initial shock of the loss of stability, then this grief process begins to closely resemble the grief related to the loss of a dream. The important thing to remember is that as you deal with the logistical and emotional fallout from your loss of stability, that this is a loss to be grieved and your processing of this event will likely feel incomplete until you have done so.
Grief & Living Death
One of the common descriptions for the experience of divorce is “living death.” There is a union and family which dies, but each member of that family (spouses, children, and grandparents) remain alive to observe the slow, painful death and try to figure out how they are to relate to one another. In many ways grief is easier when the person or thing that you lost is not constantly coming in and out of your life or sending messages that have to be interpreted.
As you go through these materials on grief, you may need to give more attention the sections on grief triggers or unpredictably hard times, and rely less on the general guidelines given to the time frame for grief. Grieving a divorce is less orderly than other grief experiences.
You may also find that the experiences of anger and guilt are more pronounced in grieving a divorce than in other grief experiences. In your suffering story (chapter four), it may be harder to weave out the themes of “I deserve this,” “relationships hurt,” or “evil wins” from your grief. The fact that there is rarely an “innocent party” in a divorce will make the discernment between sin and suffering a more necessary task than in other forms of grief.
Thinking through the changes in relationships will be me more involved than with other forms of grief. Most of the same dynamics that are discussed in this material will exist, but with an additional level of complexity. For instance, related to couple friends as a single person will still be different and awkward, but, after a divorce, maintaining friendship can feel like choosing sides for your friends. Overt conversations about these changes are wise.
A major theme in your journey through grief will be patience and reliance upon God. Coming to the same challenges over and over again (i.e., the pain of a weekly visitation schedule, having to decide about holidays, hearing “updates” on your ex-spouse from friends, etc…) will trigger grief regularly. You might ask several key people to pray Colossians 1:9-14 on your behalf regularly, especially verse 11 where Paul asks for “all endurance and patience with joy” for his Colossian friends.
Another theme in your journey will be the resistance of taking on “divorced” as your identity. Whenever we struggle with one thing for an extended period of time, we have a tendency to embrace it as who we are. As you move through the section on learning your gospel story, make sure that you see that divorce is not the defining chapter of your life.
Taking the Journey of Grief with Hope – Seminar Outline
Sep 10th
This post is the “table of contents” for the seminar “Taking the Journey of Grief with Hope”. It will be held at The Summit Church September 25, 2011, in the Brier Creek South Venue from 5:00 to 8:00 pm.
This event is free of charge and open to the public. Please invite anyone you believe would benefit from learning how the God of all comfort speaks to the various losses of life through the gospel.
Hour One
Chapter 1. “Preparing for Your Grief Journey”
PREPARE yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually to face your suffering
Chapter 2 “Identifying the Pieces of My Story”
ACKNOWLEDGE the specific history and realness of my suffering
Hour Two
Chapter 3. “How Has My Life / Story Changed?”
UNDERSTAND the impact of my suffering
Chapter 4. “The Darkest Part of My Journey”
LEARN MY SUFFERING STORY which I used to make sense of my experience
Chapter 5. “The Journey Is About More Than the Destination”
MOURN the wrongness of what happened and receive God’s comfort
Hour Three
Chapter 6. “My Loss Story in His Story”
LEARN MY GOSPEL STORY by which God gives meaning to my experience
Chapter 7. “Where is ‘Better’ on This Journey?”
IDENTIFY GOALS that allow me to combat the impact of my suffering
Chapter 8. “Beginning to Live the Rest of My Story”
PERSEVERE in the new life and identity to which God has called me
Chapter 9. “Living the Rest of Your Story”
STEWARD all of my life for God’s glory
“Taking the Journey of Grief with Hope” Seminar Outline
Sep 4th
Note: This post is the “table of contents” for the seminar “Taking the Journey of Grief with Hope” which will be presented at The Summit Church September 25, 2011. The seminar will be in the Brier Creek South Venue (2335 Presidential Dr; Durham, NC 27703) from 5:00 to 8:00 pm.
This event is free of charge and open to the public. Please invite anyone you believe would benefit from learning how the God of all comfort speaks to the various losses of life through the gospel.
Hour One
Chapter 1. “Preparing for Your Grief Journey”
PREPARE yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually to face your suffering
Chapter 2 “Identifying the Pieces of My Story”
ACKNOWLEDGE the specific history and realness of my suffering
Hour Two
Chapter 3. “How Has My Life / Story Changed?”
UNDERSTAND the impact of my suffering
Chapter 4. “The Darkest Part of My Journey”
LEARN MY SUFFERING STORY which I used to make sense of my experience
Chapter 5. “The Journey Is About More Than the Destination”
MOURN the wrongness of what happened and receive God’s comfort
Hour Three
Chapter 6. “My Loss Story in His Story”
LEARN MY GOSPEL STORY by which God gives meaning to my experience
Chapter 7. “Where is ‘Better’ on This Journey?”
IDENTIFY GOALS that allow me to combat the impact of my suffering
Chapter 8. “Beginning to Live the Rest of My Story”
PERSEVERE in the new life and identity to which God has called me
Chapter 9. “Living the Rest of Your Story”
STEWARD all of my life for God’s glory
Appendices
- Memorial Ceremony for an Unborn Child
- Applying the Grief Seminar to Losses Not Caused by Death
- Small Group Care Plan for the Whole Journey
- Healthy Ways to Capture Memories
- Bible Readings on Grief
- Recommended Books
- Freedom Group Study Plans
- Parenting Tips and Family Devotions for Each Chapter
- What Do I Do Now?
Memorial Ceremony for an Unborn Child
Aug 26th
Note: This post is an excerpt from the seminar notebook that will accompany the “Take the Journey of Grief with Hope” seminar at The Summit Church September 25, 2011. The seminar will be in the Brier Creek South Venue (2335 Presidential Dr; Durham, NC 27703) from 5:00 to 8:00 pm. This event is free of charge and open to the public. Please invite anyone you believe would benefit from learning how the God of all comfort speaks to the various losses of life through the gospel.
Appendix A
Memorial Ceremony for an Unborn Child
Grieving the loss of an unborn child can be particularly difficult. No one else had the privilege of knowing your baby and, therefore, many of the rituals of grief (i.e., sharing pictures or stories of how the lost loved one touched other’s lives) cannot be engaged. Because no one else knew their baby, parents often try to take this journey of grief alone.
What follows are suggestions for how to honor your lost child and facilitate your own grieving process. Do not consider this appendix to be a recipe to be followed directly, but as a collection of ideas to take what best applies to your situation. Some families who lose their baby may chose not to utilize a service like this one. A small group or church family should be considerate of the family’s wishes when offering to help in this way.
The suggestions recommended below will be incorporated in the memorial service outlined at the end of this appendix.
Name Your Baby: This will be important for not only the memorial, but for the on-going grief process. This will allow you to reference your child in future conversations (which is healthy). Without a name, you and others will be more likely to begin to live as if the loss never happened within a matter of weeks. Parents may change the name they intended to call their child without feeling as they are
dishonoring their baby. The goal in naming the baby is to accept the loss as real, not to say that nothing has or can change.
Write a Good-Bye Letter: With many losses we see death coming and get to say good-bye. With miscarriage there is both surprise and your child would not have been able to hear your words. A letter allows you to put your initial grief into words which can be heard by family and friends at the memorial. It allows you to process these early experiences of your grief and to feel more understood.
Memorial Box: This is not a casket, but a place to keep some precious things (i.e., blanket, small toys, birth/death certificates, ultra sound pictures, good-bye letter, notes from friends, your grief journal, etc…). A memorial box can allow your child to always have a place of remembrance in your home without the “enshrinement effect” that comes with having a room devoted to your lost child.
Get a Grief Journal: You will have many thoughts and experience many emotions in the coming months. You may fear forgetting what you are thinking and feeling, because it is all you have left of your baby. A journal is a healthy place to capture those thoughts and emotions. One option many mothers have found helpful is Mommy, Please Don’t Cry by Linda DeYmaz. This journal also serves as a place to gather your thoughts so that you have an answer when friends, family, or small group members ask, “How are you doing?”
Don’t Rush the Memorial: Planning and conducting the memorial is an important part of the grieving process. It confirms that this is a real loss, one to be acknowledged by those who love you, and that there is a journey of grief ahead. It is during the planning and conducting of a memorial that denial can wear off and a network of friends be established to support you in the weeks and months ahead.
Plant a Tree / Garden: Often with a miscarriage one of the difficulties in the grief process is that there is nowhere to go and grieve or to place flowers on your child’s birthday and other special occasions. Planting a tree can provide you a place to go and remember. It also provides a visual reminder of the passing of time and personal growth as you see the tree mature. If a family chooses to plant a tree or garden, this would determine the location of the ceremony and would need to be in a place where the property would not be sold or outside a home from which the family planned to move.
Create a Time Capsule: It can make the memorial seem more real funeral if there is something to bury. With the planting of a tree, you might also bury a time capsule with a copy of your good-bye letter, toys you had purchased, medical bracelets/papers from the
DNC visit, a list of the dreams for this child you are surrendering to God, or other memorable items.
Planning the Memorial
As you plan the memorial, remember this is not a means to an end, but a part of the grief process. Taking the time to plan a memorial
confirms the reality of your grief. You did not just have a medical procedure. You lost a child, and it is right to grieve.
Planning the ceremony is a time of very beneficial conversation with your spouse and children. Often families are not sure how to talk to one another, what is acceptable to say or feel, or when to bring up the subject. If this ice is not broken, grief becomes stifled for everyone. Planning a ceremony is a good way to open the lines of communication. The outline below should help facilitate these conversations. Each member of the family can feel free to say what he/she likes and dislikes without fearing they may be insulting another family member’s idea.
The guest list is also important. It is wise to invite more people than you think will come. The memorial is a way to announce your loss so
that you do not have to face as many excited “how’s the baby?” questions in the weeks ahead. Also, by inviting people to the memorial, you will feel less pressure to “act normal.” Having a ceremony declares that normal has been disrupted in a significant way and that it will be a while before normal returns.
A Memorial Ceremony
Note: Use this section as a suggestion and not a template. Make it your own. The material below is merely meant to give you something to build from at a time when it is hard to concentrate and there are so many other things on your mind.
Officiate: Ask a pastor or small group leader to conduct the memorial. Your role should be to participate in the memorial; not to try to
lead it.
Preparation: Depending on what elements of the service you use, some preparation may be needed. It is fine to ask friends and family to help with digging the hole for the time capsule, preparing food for a follow up meal, or handling childcare.
Opening Scripture & Prayer:
Psalm 139:13-18 (ESV), “For you formed my [may choose to use the child’s name throughout the Psalm reading] inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. How precious to me are your thoughts O God! How vast is the sum of them! If you count them, they are more than the sand. I awake, and I am still with you.”
Lord, we come to you with broken hearts because Your Word it true. [Name] was fearfully and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful and we longed to know them in [name’s] life. You knew [name] intimately from conception and know him/her even now. We come because we will not get the privilege of knowing [name] this side of heaven and that hurts us.
- Words of prayer for family
- Words of prayer for mother
- Words of prayer for father
- Words of prayer for siblings
- Words of prayer for grandparents and extended family present
Lord, we do hold your thoughts as precious even when we do not understand them. We admit we cannot understand this and it pains us. We ask that You would comfort us with the knowledge that when we are awake thinking about [name], that [name] is awake with You. Amen.
Reading of Parent’s Good-Bye Letter:
This can be done by the family standing together, one member of the family, or by the memorial officiate on behalf of the family. After reading the letter the family can place the letter (and any items of significance referenced in the letter) in the time capsule to be buried.
Reading of Words from Others:
The family might ask certain other people to write their thoughts and reflections to be read at this time. If so, it would be wise to have these pieces written out to ensure they are fitting for a memorial service. At the conclusion of reading each of these the individual would have two copies of his/her statement. First, the individual would walk to the parents/siblings and give them a copy for the memory box. Second, the individual would go to the time capsule and place a copy there.
Planting of Tree and Time Capsule:
Officiate: Throughout Scripture we find that God encourages His people to make places of remembrance for burial of loved ones. We find in this the tenderness and mercy of our God. God was not content to merely bring [name] to Himself in heaven, but He also is concerned to care for [mom’s name, dad’s name, sibling by name] until they are reunited with [name] in the presence of Jesus.
When we lose an unborn child families often do not receive the grace of God that comes from a place of remembrance. As those who love and care for [mom’s name, dad’s name, sibling by name] we wanted to make sure that was not the case for them. We will be planting a tree in memory of [name] (say a few words about the type of tree or location where tree is planted if either has particular meaning).
[Looking at family] God wants you to have a place to remember. He cares for you. And we, as your family and friends, want to be an extension of his care for you in the weeks and months ahead. Having a place to grieve is not all that you will need. You will need to know that you do not have to grieve alone or in silence. We want to be the Body of Christ to you on this journey and sharing your tears will be our privilege.
[Looking at attendees] The [last name] family will be keeping a memory box of precious items from [name’s] life. I would encourage you in the days and weeks ahead to write out how God has used [name], the shared experience of joy over pregnancy and grief over miscarriage, and how the [last name] family’s example has strengthened your walk with the Lord. These letters will be precious reminders of the impact [name] had and a confirmation that he/she was as real as their pain testifies. As they are stored in their memory box, these letters will become the fond stories they re-visit like the stories you retell with your family about lost loved ones.
Plant tree and time capsule. [For this time having a song selected – whether played/sung live or on CD – to allow for a worshipful
meditation and prevent silence from making an awkward distraction before the end of the service.]
Closing Scripture & Prayers:
Mark 10:13-16 (ESV), “And they were bringing children to him that he might touch them, and the disciples rebuked them. But when Jesus saw it, he was indignant and said to them, ‘Let the children come to me; do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God. Truly I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it.’ And he took them in his arms and blessed them, laying his hands on them.”
Lord, we are grateful for this picture of what [name] is experiencing as we gather. Our loss and grief is made bearable and has hope because of Your love for children. We also come to you as children. In moments like these our world seems bigger than we can handle and we strongly sense our need for our Father’s protection. There are things we cannot explain to our children and we ask them to trust us. This is an experience we cannot understand and so we express a child-like faith that is full of questions and emotions.
We pray a special protection over the hearts and minds of [mom’s name, dad’s name, sibling by name]. Give them a special awareness of your presence and care in the coming days. Amen
[Officiate: Give instructions of how the memorial will conclude.]
The Pursuit of More: Addictions Conference
Aug 18th
Though there are many startling statistics, one usually only has to take an honest look at his or her own family to realize that there is a big problem. Undoubtedly, one of the greatest challenges facing the present day church is the issue of addiction.
Ask yourself, “Am I prepared to speak with confidant compassion about addiction?” When your spouse, child, friend, or co-worker admits to feeling in bondage to alcohol, prescription drugs, illegal drugs, pornography, or sex do you know where to take the conversation next? Do you know the resources in your community? Does your church know how to play its role in the recovery process?
In a world that is in “The Pursuit of More” we must be able to answer these questions if we are going to talk about the freedom of Christ we have in the gospel. It is for this reason that I would like to make you aware of an important conference coming to our area. But first let me introduce you to the story of the man to leads the ministry that is hosting this conference.
A good example concerning the dangers of seeking fulfillment apart from God is the family story of a local addiction’s ministry director named Shawn Saunders. (The story below is written by Shawn.)
When I was 17, my 42 year old mother informed him that she was ready to leave my dad after 20 years of marriage and basically live for herself. Attending bars and dance clubs, seeing other men, and abusing drugs and alcohol replaced teaching the 4 & 5 year old class on Wednesday nights at church, serving meals to help other people, and living selflessly for her family.
What were the consequences of her actions?
My two younger brothers began taking prescription narcotics and became addicted at ages 14 and 17 which led to my middle brother serving 41 months in prison, and my mother passed away at age 49. This is not to mention the horrific pain that my father endured for approximately 8 years until his passing at age 55. He paid thousands of dollars on my brothers in court fines and lawyer fees and watched the love of his life kill herself due to chasing a euphoria. Or better put, she was pursing more out of life–she wanted to transcend the monotony of marriage and motherhood. She was searching for meaning, significance, purpose, and acceptance in the midst of the challenges that relationships bring.
One of the toughest elements of this saga was my dad going to our church for help, but the church not knowing how to respond. He was left with no answers and no hope other than life is filled with pain but we have heaven to look forward to as an escape.
Converting Hearts Ministries (www.convertinghearts.com) is hosting “The Pursuit of More: Addictions Conference” on Friday, September 16th from 6:00pm to 9:00pm and Saturday, September 17th from 9:00am to 1:30pm at Open Door Baptist Church in Raleigh.
Join The Pursuit of More in September to hear from incredible speakers including Danny Akin, Stephen Davey, Sam Williams, Dwayne Millioni, Robert Jones, Brad Hambrick and others as they engage this growing and concerning issue, and discuss how the church can offer solutions.
The Pursuit of More is for church leaders, laymen, counselors, and anyone interested in how to combat addictions in their church and community.
The Pursuit of More Speakers will share biblical concepts about addictions and practical help to enable individual churches to reach both the addict and those who suffer the consequences of the addicts’ destructive behavior.
Learn more information about the cause, conference, speakers, and schedule by visiting pursuitofmore.com where you will also find a two minute conference video..
All ticket purchases will go to Converting Hearts Ministries (www.convertinghearts.com) to advance their mission to addicts and their families.
CHM looks forward to co-laboring with RDU churches as they minister to the flocks that God has entrusted to their care.
Preparing for Marriage
Jul 12th
Preparing for Marriage is a ministry of The Summit Church for engaged couples. A key part of this ministry is pairing engaged couples with a mentor couple who can “do life” when them during this time of transition. Preparing for Marriage involves a good deal of teaching, but the mentor couples serve as a “real couple” sounding board for what the engaged couple is learning.
A mentor couple would need to meet three criteria: (1) have a healthy marriage, (2) have been married for at least 5 years, and (3) be members of The Summit Church. We provide a brief — hour and half — training to orient you to your role in the Preparing for Marriage ministry.
Below are ten frequently asked questions from the Engaged Discovery Weekend — part of the teaching ministry of Preparing for Marriage. These happen to be about sex, but the ministry covers many more subjects. Our goal in posting this blog is to let our church know more about the Preparing for Marriage ministry and to demonstrate that if (hopefully when) you get involved, we strive to provide a solid structure for you to serve within.
Remember, the most valuable thing that you bring to Preparing for Marriage is not an extensive theological understanding of marriage, but a testimony of how you have sought (successfully and unsuccessfully) to honor God through the ups and down of your marriage. Your role is to bring the Preparing for Marriage teaching to life through your story and willingness to invest in an engaged couple.
Do I Need To Attend The Overcoming Anger Seminar?
Jun 15th
I’ve never punched a hole in a wall. I’ve managed to avoid road rage even with a significant number of “idiot” drivers provoking me. My children are not scared of me unless they do something really bad. I have plenty of friends who seem to like me and will answer the phone when I call. Do I still need to attend the “Overcoming Anger” seminar?
This kind of question construes the “Overcoming Anger” seminar as a classic anger management class. I can promise you will not count to 10 and no one will be asked to go to their “happy place.”
Let me reframe the question.
We live in a broken world where legitimate desires often get disappointed. We live among fallen people who often offend us and, at least, frequently forget things that are important to us. In the midst of all this, how do we accurately represent the character of God, who has as one of His attributes, anger?
Anger is not an emotion we can “just not do.” Therefore, if we are going to accurately reflect the image of God, we must do anger well. But anger as an emotion with a lot of momentum and it easily runs away with us. This is why “Overcoming Anger” is such an important seminar for every person (whether we yell frequently or not).
The document above is taken from the first section of the seminar and is a two page evaluation (with scoring explanation) that examines seven unique expressions of anger. I would encourage you to download and complete this evaluation to help you decide whether to attend.
If you take it and find that you have no struggle with anger and cannot think of anyone close to you who struggles in these ways, then stay home. Otherwise, I would encourage you to come, grow in your ability to manage this powerful emotion, and gain skills in guiding others towards the Gospel in their struggle with anger.
“Overcoming Anger”
Presenter: Brad Hambrick
June 26, 2011
5:00 to 8:00 pm
Cost: Free, so bring lots of friends
No RSVP Required
The Summit Church (Brier Creek South Venue)
2335 Presidential Drive
Durham, NC 27703